feeling is healing.

apology in advance: these are my current thoughts, worries, and/or frustrations, so don't expect to be humored, uplifted, and/or entertained.
why.
i do not understand 1% why i still care about someone who does not care about me, probably never did. there aren't many things in my life that i regret, but this is one. why did i have to be stupid enough to learn this lesson twice? i feel like i haven't gained anything from it other than grief and the feeling that i will never be able to have a happy, normal, healthy relationship with another human being. what if i am destined to screw up because i don't know otherwise? what if i tarnish the first person who looks my way again? doooooooooooomed.
okay.
i know i'm not doomed, i know i am just being stooopid, but dah!!
i wish i could change a lot of things i've done, but i guess that comes with growing up. i wonder how different of a person i would be had i not made the choices i did. i wish with all of my heart that i would have decided what to do, what to say, and how to be in situations before i was placed in them. living in the moment is such a rotten idea in some aspects of my life.
what i want: to be alone, in a place, where i know no one, and no one knows me. to lie on a secluded beach for days, weeks, years. to cry like i haven't cried in ages. to release every held in, bottled up emotion that i have kept hidden for the last year of my life. to scream at the top of my lungs until i can't anymore.
just to start over.
well.
this has been significantly depressing and refreshing.
tomorrow's another day.
☮